I use makeup to cover my bruises — but could my abusive girlfriend change?

We’ve all heard the phrase ‘people change’, but that saying can hold a different kind of weight in an unhealthy relationship.

This week’s reader describes her girlfriend as ‘funny’ and charming’, but she’s also abusive — behind closed doors, she’s becoming increasingly violent.

Now, the pair are discussing moving in together, but our reader wants to know if her girlfriend’s escalating abuse will ever end.

After reading this column, take a look at last week’s dilemma, from a husband stuck between what his family expect of him — and what he truly wants for himself.

This Is Not Right

On November 25, 2024 Metro launched This Is Not Right, a campaign to address the relentless epidemic of violence against women.

With the help of our partners at Women's Aid, This Is Not Right aims to shine a light on the sheer scale of this national emergency.

You can find more articles here, and if you want to share your story with us, you can send us an email at [email protected].

Read more:

• Introducing This Is Not Right: Metro's year-long violence against women campaign
• Remembering the women killed by men in 2024

The problem…

For the last two years I’ve been in a same-sex relationship with a girl I met at university and on the surface, we are very happy together. Both her parents and mine are completely accepting of us. I’d say that most people are pleased for us and think we’re a great couple.

But here’s the problem. Although my girlfriend is funny and charming on the surface, she has another side that people don’t see. The horrible truth is that sometimes she is violent and abusive towards me, to the point where I have to use makeup, or wear long sleeves, to cover up the cuts and bruises.

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Hi, my name is Laura Collins, and every week I write Metro’s Sex Column.

I’ve been working in newspapers since completing my counselling training 30 years ago, and it’s always a privilege to help readers.

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She normally has these temper tantrums when she’s been drinking, although occasionally she has trouble controlling her anger when she’s sober and things don’t go her way. I’m never violent in retaliation (although sometimes I think I should be) but it’s exhausting, trying to calm her down.

She’s always apologetic afterwards and goes out of her way to make up with me, buying gifts or writing love notes. She says she doesn’t know why she’s like it, but I sometimes think it’s because her parents have always spoilt her and let her have her own way. As a result, she’s grown up not knowing how to cope when things go wrong.

I know I’m making her sound awful, but she does have a lovely side and most of the time things are fine.

We still don’t live together, but recently she’s being going on about us getting a place. I’m obviously a bit reluctant to commit while she’s like she is, and I don’t know how I can get her to change.

The advice

You’re wise to be reluctant to commit, because lovely though your girlfriend may be in some ways, the sad fact is that few abusers actually do change.

Imagine if it were a man treating you this way — your friends and family would be rightly outraged, so don’t make excuses just because she’s female.

And if a friend told you that her boyfriend was repeatedly assaulting her, I doubt you’d explain it away as being the fault of his parents, who spoilt him.

It’s never okay for someone to hit you, and those love notes and apologies may simply be a way for your girlfriend to regain control over you, until the next time. Remember as well, that abuse often escalates.

My honest advice is that you need to get out of this toxic relationship and a good therapist will hopefully help you find the courage you need to break away.

You can also get support from the Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, on 0808 2000 247. The line is manned 24/7, and is a great place to find confidential, non-judgmental information and advice.

In the meantime, if things get really out of hand and you ever feel unsafe, you should call the police.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

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